23rd November 2017… i remember the day so clearly… it was the first day of chemo and life took another turn!!!!!!
This time last year life was tough and it was about to get even harder as chemo cycle one started. I remember this day as it was like yesterday, it was horrible and mentally challenging. I remember the emotions….. taking full control of me…. I remember being nasty to Roger and yet he had done nothing wrong and was with out a doubt just as scared as me and yet he came across so calm.
I remember waking up that morning and being anything but calm, my stomach was in knots but i was trying to stay calm for hubby and kids but did a crap job. The eldest spent the day in school even though she had free lessons, we decided it would be best for her to be out the way as we had no idea what to expect. I remember the panic strike even harder as i had received a text from her saying she had forgot her memory stick which had all her work on and she could do no work with out it. I remember crying and biting rogers head off as i wanted to be there for him and by going back to the school I was petrified of walking back into the house and seeing him being pumped with poison.
I walked back in to the house after going back to the school and my lounge had been over taken by 2 nurses, equipment and medicine. Resulting in pure fear coming over me!!!!! Fear of the unknown and that i could not be near my soul mate at such a terrifying time in this crap journey…. he sat in the corner of the room surrounded while i felt alone and petrified for him. I just wanted to hold him and make everything better but I couldn’t and i suppose i did not know how to deal with what was happening and going on around me. When thinking back to that day its tough, i could have moved things to be nearer to hubby but he was sat in the corner which made things hard along with equipment and people surrounding all areas of my tiny lounge. I did not feel welcome in my own home and i suppose isolated and useless in a way….. yes hubby was the one having the chemo… but i was the one sitting there watching hubby in pain, discomfort, becoming weaker and the fear growing stronger…. and i suppose his frustration on this day to my emotions. I cant change how i acted as its in the past… I’m human and its natural to have emotions…. cancer sucks and has this power to play games with your mind as you travel the unknown, i was lonely and scared.
I was so thankful when they finished and done one, i had my hubby back and could look after him as well as having my lounge back. We did have heated words when the nurses left but thinking back i think it did us good, we expressed our feelings leading to lots of tears and hugs. Later on that evening hubby became quite ill, its was scary to watch and i bet petrifying for the children….. cancer really does suck….
A year on hubby is in remission and is doing amazing… he is running again and has gone back to work, his energy is growing daily and life is slowly becoming as normal as It could be. The bad days are becoming less but then sometimes the bad days can be a bad week. Every so often things may get to much and the bowels are still taking some getting used to….. but omg…. this man is doing bloody fab and i feel honoured to be his wife.
Cancer is a journey of the unknown and is anything but a pleasant journey. Cancer does not just impact the individual it impacts loved ones as well, cancer can be cured if caught early…. so please help me in raising awarness.