Chemotherapy…. A drug that makes you so ill that it can destroy you finger prints according to a professor….. and can damage your organs….. Yet you need to go through possible hell to leave this really dark tunnel!!!!!!
At the beginning of the week a nurse came out to go through the treatment and take bloods to see if hubby was fit enough to start chemo, not sure who was more anxious about the visit me or him!!!!! The bloods got done first, I stood behind him holding his shoulders trying to calm him as he is so scared of needles. His immediate response was ‘I’m fine’ this response hurt, so I left him and took myself upstairs as I was getting upset. I knew he was going to be ok, he is my hubby and has so much strength, and all I was doing was letting him know I was there. Obviously I felt he did not want me so I left him to it, this was however seemingly wrong. When I came back downstairs the nurse was saying sorry and hubby was moving his arm and was in pain. The first attempt had caused pain and had not worked, so a second attempt was needed and was more successful. Watching hubby have his bloods taken was hard, as he hates needles so much and you could see the fear in his face. After the bloods, the nurse went through everything ready for Thursday and the following few months, including all the horrible side effects. Listening to all of these was awful, how on earth can you stay positive????? You may suffer with sickness and diarrhoea, along with sensitivity to the cold after the IV… you could also get red and sore skin on your hands and feet. There are so many more, the thoughts scare you, especially the one with your temperature going over 37.5 and having to possibly go hospital for bloods encase of infection. Me being me I try my hardest to be positive but all I see are the negatives and see hubby being ill….
Waiting for the day to come was not that bad as the day before hubby had yet another test. This was to find out if the operation had worked and all had healed in the bowel and the ileostomy could be reversed. I sat in a waiting room for well over an hour, I was unable to go in with hubby so sat like a prat. However it was so bloody worth it when he came out and said that all looked good and this was confirmed two days later. Roll on the end of the chemo and the reversal can be done and I get my hubby back and this C**p disease can be put behind us!!!!!
The day of treatment came round to bloody quick and was really emotional!!!! In the morning before school I was bantering with hubby and the eldest and all seemed calm. However this was short lived by the time I got home and my nerves had got the better of me I believe. It did not help that the eldest had text me 15 minutes before the nurse was about to turn up saying she had forgot her memory stick that contained all her work for her to work on that day 
☹. I was torn in two!!!! Keeley bless her did not expect me to take her memory stick to her as she was fully aware that her dad was starting chemo that day. Due to my emotions being all over the place and being fully aware of how hard things are for my baby girl at the moment with her dad being ill and the stress of sixth form and her having Asperger’s, I felt I needed to take the memory stick to her as she only went to school as her dad was starting chemo and I had told her to. Being in sixth form she had no lessons so could have really stayed home, ☹ however I told her she had to go to school, as I did not believe it would be suitable for her to be home.
Leaving hubby was hard and upsetting, I wanted to be there for him from the start especially knowing his fear of what was going to be happening. I suppose i was also fearful of walking back in to my home with hubby already being wired up…. I told him as I left, you will be fine, you did not need me on Tuesday as I believe you pushed me away so you will be fine today.
I took Keeley her memory stick and on reaching home I had no idea how I was feeling, hubby had text to say the nurses had arrived. However I was fully aware I was going to be entering my home and it was not going to be how I left it… the nurses had taken over my front room. Thankfully hubby was not wired up but you could see he was really apprehensive about it all, which is expected. I did not help the situation as either, its all a blur but I remember saying something to him that where not words of support. This then resulted in him starting his chemo with out a hug and knowing that I was there for him. It did not help that hubby was going to be sat in the corner of the lounge making it hard for me to get to him, even to hold his hand while the intravenous (IV) cannula was set up and inserted for the next hurdle to start. ☹ All I wanted to do was hold roger so tight and try my hardest to remove the pain and discomfort he was about to endure.
The following few hours seemed to go really slow ☹ I kept myself busy while trying to fight my emotions. I sorted the dinner in the slow cooker, put the shopping delivery away and swapped the washing over. Every so often I would pop my head round the door and make sure hubby was ok but it was hard to not let him see me being tearful. We was texting each other as it was hard to talk, he I suppose found it hard that I was being my stubborn self and would not go in the lounge as I believe there was no space for me, he though believed I was being rude and secluding myself. Which when looking back I was, but I am only human and my emotions had by far got the better of me ☹. I suppose as well after talking it through I suppose I reacted the way I did as I was not in control and felt I could do nothing to help hubby through the next few c**p hours. I did go in for the last hour or so, and it was incredibly hard to sit and watch my hubby becoming more and more anxious due to what was starting to happen to his body!!! After it was all over and the nurses left my emotions and rogers got the better of us, we did express words but omg!!!! We are human and had just started a new hurdle and it is massive in the unknown when it comes to what it will chuck at us. We soon calmed down, sort of hugged as hubby was in pain and discomfort in his arm.
The side effects from the chemo did not take long to hit and OMG!!! They hit with a bang, one after the other…☹ Hubby must have been so scared, I was for sure…. Some of these side effects we was fully unaware off and they are amazingly scary. The first one was the effect of the cold, all hubby did was go to the toilet and the cold hit him, this can then effect your breathing, causing you to panic. When looking at it the side effects had started before he had even ended the oxaliplatin. Things only went down hill from here; the next one that was unexpected was his eye sockets hurting. I could see he was scared even though he will never admit it, we were both emotional and it was hurting him as his eyes started to fill with tears. It was not enough that he was in pain and discomfort with his arm, he was sensitive to the cold and his eyes had started to hurt, on eating a crisp his face was a picture and the sounds he was making. It would seem the next side effect to hit was taste buds going wild, they became really sensitive to every taste. Luckily things did settle down for a few hours and all seemed well, hubby was just tired and his arm was thankfully easing arm.
Well it was almost like the calm before the storm, ☹ from about 6.30pm things went down hill. Hubby was still over sensitive to the cold, his arm was sore, he was beginning to fill sick causing him to panic and fearing he could not breath, he did not want any dinner. He was rushing to the toilet (this may have been from the test the day before) he had become far to hot resulting in him becoming clammy and fearing he would have a temperature, he also started with the hiccups, which was yet another unknown side effect. The whole time I was by his side, and this went on for a few hours, after him rushing to the toilet again as he had become hot he settled in the bedroom and managed to get some rest. Until he woke panicking, as I was not there and he could not breath.
The day had been long and one very emotional day, I was scared and spent the majority of the day scared. However when my soul mate become really ill I was there for him every step of the way, with no second thoughts. Due to this I had a late evening as I needed time by myself and a large glass of wine to try and come to terms and get my head round what had happened. It is not easy seeing your best friend going through so much and becoming worse to be able to get better, fearing he may end up in hospital at any point due to the chemo and side effects ☹ Today was the start of a huge hurdle in the journey to get my hubby well and healthy again. This disease is not going to win, I may not be able to take this disease away and make him better but I will try my damn best to be there for him and help him to stay mentally strong to fight the next hurdle…….even if sometimes I can be a cow!!!
