Mums In Business Association talk on my Cancer journey
Why I started blogging???… Cancer!!
I started wonder Mami in 2017.. I had recently finished my BA degree in social care and was looking for a job.
Looking for a job was anything but straight forward as I had many factors to consider.. the biggest ones being that my husband worked away during the week and I had no family near me to support with child care for my four darlings. I applied for many different jobs and got knocked back for all of them… on some occasions I never even got a response from the jobs I had applied for which really knocked me. Having qualifications does not always mean much if you don’t have the experience in the job… its hard though as no job would give me a chance to gain said experience…. Frustrating is one word that comes to mind when I think about what it was like.
Job hunting had been going on for some time and with absolutely no luck what so ever, I was not going to give up though. I decided to set up a facebook page and share my challenges of looking for a job to fit around family life. I thought others did it and If I did not do something soon my brain was going to go to mush..and maybe just maybe it may help me get a job, or help another mummy in my situation.
I think my page had been going about 6 weeks.. I was posting the odd thing and sharing my knock backs, it actually felt pretty good sharing things. I had absolutely no idea though at this point my world was about to come crushing down on me.
Hubby had been ill for sometime… well not necessarily ill, but not himself and that was only what I was seeing. It soon became apparent that he had been keeping things from me for some time.
So I say hubby had been ill for sometime.. but at the same time he wasn’t really ill.. well to me, he a male after all. See his only issue was he would have these like episodes that he could not stay away from the toilet. With occasional gastro problems.. hiccups and a dodgy feeling stomach.
It all started news years eve 2017 I believe with the hiccups.. I could not tell you personally when hubby started having issues with his bowels… men don’t talk! I think it was around easter time that it was becoming more obvious if not before. Hubby’s episodes with the toilet was becoming more and more obvious.. he was spending more and more time on the toilet and then he would be literally collapsing on the bed and feeling totally drained to the point he was unable to go to work or even move. He would go for a run and with in minutes he would come running back through the gate as he had to go toilet and yet he had been just before he left for his run.. on occasions he headed into work and had to turn around to come home as he had to go to the toilet. It got to the point that if he needed to go to the toilet then he had to go as he could not always seem to control his bowels, then there was the blood in the stools!!
Hubby could go on no longer so finally went to the doctor.. It took 4 doctors appointments and an ultra sound before he was referred to someone that put him on the road to his diagnosis of Bowel cancer.. this person was someone from the gastric department in prince Philip hospital.
9th August 2017 the day before my youngest child’s birthday, hubby was sent for a colonoscopy and it was from this that they found something.. for the following two weeks I was going to be living with one of the biggest secrets, but not any secret.. a secret such as cancer!! Never in a million years was I expecting Roger to turn around and tell me that the doctor had found something during the procedure and a biopsy had been taken and it was being tested for cancer and he was being sent for a CT scan and MRI scan.
The following weeks passed by in a blur and so slowly.. I felt like I had the world on my shoulders and wanted to shout about it but couldn’t say a word!! It was horrible and what made it worse was that hubby was talking about it.. he was talking to work and medical professionals.. he of course had to talk about it… but just never really spoke too me about it.
Around the time that hubby was going for his tests we had recently set up a business.. Trans4 !! Trans4 does many things from building websites for people to providing them with their business branding. We had our first event while hubby was going through all the appointments.. The event was for a you tuber and was on all weekend, hubby was doing this event on his own due to lack of child care and the destination. He was there on the Friday and the Saturday but was unable to attend on the Sunday as he was not well enough. Little was we aware that this was what life was going to be for the upcoming months or even years ahead.
The day hubby was told that he had cancer was the second crap day of many more to come..
He was on his own in the hospital, while I was at home with the children worried stupid and obviously thinking the worst. I phoned him as I could take no more as he had been gone for what seemed like bloody ages. He of course sounded ok and said that the results happened to be good news!! I knew straight away he was not telling me the truth.. but I had to wait for him to come home.
When he finally came home and the kids finally went back to their rooms!!! He said those words!!!! ITS CANCER!!! It’s ok though as its not spread… but its cancer. I broke… I cried.. I punched things… I held Roger… but within a minute I had pulled myself together. We agreed the children had to be told, so I left the room and called them. Upon entering the kitchen Roger was crying… I asked him what was wrong… he just said the words “why me?? Cant believe I have cancer!!” He just stood and cried.. I held him tight and just said we are going to get through this.
Telling the children was absolutely awful.. I cried.. Roger cried.. the children cried and we all just held each other tight!!! The children was aware that their dad was unwell but obviously had no idea that it could potentially be cancer.
The following 3 and a bit weeks passed by with minimal sleep, loads of anger mixed with lots and lots of tears. It was like we had got on a ride that was an emotional roller coaster. You could be happy one minute and then just like that cancer would slap you in the face reminding you just how crawl life can be. The support we received from family and friends was amazing.. it was truly over whelming for both me and hubby. The support from other charities on the other hand was a different story. Roger obviously got support and was spoken to directly when at appointments.. me and the children on the other hand got nothing…
So hubby had bowel cancer… so what’s the next step.. what’s the plan of action?? The plan was lots of appointments that would send your brain into a fog.. you would speak to medical professionals, have several examinations and be told a different plan of action every single time. You wanted answers but had no way of getting them. Roger went from having to have the tumour removed with a temporary ileostomy bag and chemo.. to having chemo and radiotherapy, then tumour removed with a permanent colostomy bag and then ended up with the tumour being removed along with his rectum, an ileostomy bag and then chemo followed by a reversal.
The weeks leading up to the tumour being removed was terrifying and so hard.. watching Roger become so ill and seeing the fear in his face. Watching him prepare himself and his body with all the bowel prep.. I just wish I could have made things better.
The time finally came that the tumour was going to be removed.. I was petrified and by the look on Rogers face so was he. It was an early start to a very long day ahead after minimal sleep.. all kind of emotions going through my body… I was terrified to the point my chest became so tight I struggled to breath. During the journey to the hospital my stomach was in knots… the wait for Roger to go down for the operation my stomach was in knots… waiting around while Roger was having the operation which felt like a life time and then waiting for him to come back up… my stomach was in Knots… As soon as I seen him even though he had tubes from all places and was drugged up to the eyes i felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could stand tall again… the feeling was out of this world.
Roger was in hospital about 8 days.. it was a long time and of course extremely easy. I was playing the roles of mum and dad, I was travelling to the hospital every day and had to keep the business going while also being wife to someone that had just had a huge operation and was taking his everything to get back on his feet. Apart from Rogers dad we have no family near us.. on the day of the operation, Rogers brother looked after the children and I went to the hospital with my father and law and Roger. The day after the operation I visited Roger with his brother and that was it! I was more or less on my own. I had a friend that I popped to for coffee and a fag before driving to Swansea every day and then would pop in after and talk to her about Roger and to take time out I suppose. That week she was amazing and such a great support.. she let me message her at all hours and never moaned once along with my mummy. 
That week and for many weeks/months after I did everything from doing the school runs to being taxi driver for roger and his many hospital appointments along with being the football mum not to mention all the other mum stuff that I had to do.. washing ironing, cooking cleaning etc etc. Then there was the business as well. Printing out and fulfilling orders, the post office runs, answering emails, dealing with lost parcels checking stock. It was about 5 weeks after the operation that Roger was able to start moving more freely and do simple things like make a cuppa.
In the November chemotherapy started… a new chapter in the book.. more emotions and more living the unknown. Even better it was christmas… christmas and chemotherapy… christmas and cancer!!! It was meant to be 6 cycles and only ended up being 4 which was a bonus. We was fortunate that hubby was able to have the treatment at home, however the days of treatment and the 3 -4 days after where hard for many reasons. We tried to make sure that the children were in school as we did not want them to see what happened, however this did not go to plan.
The first cycle was awful.. it was so scary! These strangers in my house that took over my lounge and pumped this poison into my hubby. When they had gone and it was all over hubby was in pain and discomfort, I hated that I had to leave him to go to the post office and do the school run. That night he could not face dinner.. things going on in his body that he had no idea about. That night my children witnessed things that I never dreamt off… that night my children grew up for all the wrong reasons.
Cycle two was the week in between christmas and new year so the children was home. What a lovely gift this was to christmas.. christmas it self was amazing it was the best yet.. however I could feel my mood change as soon a Christmas Day was over. Having someone come to your house to take bloods to see if all is ok for chemotherapy was not something that I wanted to witness at christmas. 
Chemotherapy was not easy.. again I was doing everything and taking the role as a mum and dad and taking care of the business. The day of the IV and the following few days hubby could not leave the house and felt like pure crap. It was a relief when hubby went for a second opinion and was told that the affect of 4 cycles had the same affect as 6 cycles. Chemo was over!!!!!!!
With chemo over and being told that there was no sign of disease it was time to celebrate and get the ileostomy reversal booked in. Just as this was being booked in we was in the middle of moving the business over to a unit to give us more space. Roger was keen to get this done as I on the other hand was not as it would put so much more pressure on me as the business was in another place. Before he went in for the operation we had to make sure we had enough stock and all orders was up to date as like before it would be me taking care of everything again until hubby was back on his feet.
This operation was not as huge as the first one but I still experienced the feelings in my stomach and hated the fact that I could not make everything go away. Waiting around in his room waiting to hear those words felt like a life time.. I bloody hate hospitals always have and always will. He was only in hospital two days this time but still had one hell of a challenge facing him before he would be on the road to recovery. 6-12 months the surgeon and even then things may never be the same. Which they are not!!!
This operation gave Roger back the use of his bowels, but due to having a new rectum built and having an ileostomy for 7 months he had to learn what each feeling/motion was. If he needed to pass wind or if he needed too go to the toilet. He had to learn how to control every feeling in his bowels as well as learn the feeling for when he needed to go to the toilet and then to hold on until he got to the toilet. We are 17 months since the reversal operation and to this day he still cant say what every feeling is and still runs to the toilet. We still have bad days this far on after the operation.
After the operation hubby never really left the house apart from going to the doctors to have his dressing changed.. I had to do all the school runs etc and was named taxi driver again and taking over the day to day things for work. If we had shares in toilet roll and wet wipes at this point we would be rich lol.
Leaving the house was challenging.. he had to have a bag with a change of clothes in and we had to plan the route so if a toilet was needed then he could go. The first time we headed into the unit for work the visit was cut short due to his bowels, this sure was not the first time and certainly not the last that we had to head home quick. When on holiday over the summer we was at a fire work event and hubby had to go back to the hotel as his stomach was in bits as the cue at the event was ridiculous.. turned out all he needed to do was pass wind.
17 months on from the operation of the reversal we still have to plan the route and cut days short when out. Sometimes we not even made it out due to a sleepless night thanks to the good old bowels. I have to plan the meals because thanks to cancer not only has it left hubby with a rectum that should not be used as a rectum its left him with IBS. Cancer really does suck and is certainly not something that disappears when your told you in remission.
Two years ago my life and my families life came crashing down as we rode and still am riding the emotional roller coaster ride of cancer. Living the unknown all the time.. I would wish this on no one. To this day I struggle with emotion, looking at photos and reading old blogs, writing new blogs and seeing that reminder flash up to make appointments for bloods and scans. The past two years have been the hardest of my life. The living of the unknown, all the different emotions.. being told to hold it all in and bottle my emotions up until I’m on my own. Being mum and dad and running a business while being a wife to someone who has cancer. I found these two years extremely lonely at times and wont deny that at times everything did get to me.. I probably did over react and Roger I expect will agree that I was not always the nicest person at times. All I ever wanted was to be held and told that everything will be ok.. I will.. we will get through this.
The past two years have been incredibly hard but I have come through them.. and come out the other end a much stronger person then I ever was. I may have not got to be held like I so desperately needed but I did have an amazing support network from my blog. Thanks to my blog my journey is on more then one website and in a magazine. My blog was my escape I suppose.. I could put everything down and I had no idea just how much it would help me and others.
Wonder mami is growing.. Trans4 is growing and me as an individual am growing.. but more importantly my husband is cancer free and I will forever and ever continue to raise awareness for this disease and other cancers!!!
