Over the past few months I have had so many different emotions from, happiness anger, anxiety, sadness and fear as well as many more. These emotions have caused many up and down moments, which have resulted in tears and heated conversations and then ending in cuddles and saying everything will be ok.
Roger has been ill for sometime, but it never ever occurred to me that it might be Cancer. Leading up to the referral by the doctor for tests, Roger had been slowly getting worse. So the tests could not have come quick enough. Due to Roger being an ex serviceman and having carried out duties in Iraq it was believed that it could be some sort of bacteria causing him to be ill. During the Colonoscopy Roger was told that they had found something and they were going to do biopsy’s on it. They wrote on the results sheet that the growth was being tested for possible cancer. When I found out my heart sank, all I kept thinking was no they have it wrong.
Over the following few weeks’ emotions went from laughter to tears and then argument to then a cuddle on a daily basis. I had very little patience and was so scared inside; as I could not talk to anyone I suppose I could say I was struggling. Some nights I fell asleep on the sofa, I needed my own space and the only way I was going to get this was when roger and the children had gone to sleep. Roger usually came down and got me, it was like he needed me by his side otherwise he could not settle. Over time life became draining for both of us, all we wanted was the test results so we could put this possible cancer thing to rest. Even though deep inside I knew the biopsy would come back as cancer being confirmed. On a few occasions I told Roger this and he was not having it, he believed they put that as they have to and it was to tick the box so to say. It was a hard time I kept asking myself what if the doctor had referred quicker, why did the first doctor say it was nothing? Why are they not doing Roger’s tests quicker???? My head was spinning and its awful to say it but as Roger was the closest to me and the only one I had to talk to, he was the one that usually got the brunt of my mood. 
When Roger was diagnosed with cancer I was in pure shock as well as angry and extremely sad. Roger held me and then I held Roger, I told him we were in this together and we was going to fight it all the way. Me being me, I wiped my tears after a few minutes and took control. We told the children and decided we were going to go out. We needed to take our minds off what we had just been faced with and try and cheer the kids up. However the following few days passed in a complete blur!!! From Roger telling his immediate family on the Thursday and then everyone else on the Friday I found it really hard to except, that the secret we had been living was real and my bubble had been burst, I was scared.
My emotions while Roger was having tests to find out how they were going to treat the tumour and if it had spread had not really changed. I hated the fact I could not always be with him and got scared and thought the worse if he never updated me straight away. I got impatient as well as the tests felt like they where taking forever and then on top of that they kept changing his treatment plan. All these emotions caused my patience to be really short and I kept snapping at the kids. I was also tired, as my mind would not switch off from what was going on when I went to bed sleep as coming a thing of the past.
While Roger was in hospital, I had my moments obviously I am only human and thank you to a few special people who got me through them. This aside I feel that I coped really well considering what I had to deal with and take on on my own. By the time Roger came home I was so much more confident in myself and also with my driving. Which is great considering how much driving lays ahead in the next few months. By the end of this I think I would have driven to every hospital in Swansea. I was also starting to feel so much more positive about the journey we was facing, I just wished we did not have such a long wait for the results of the biopsy.
After the operation and Roger had come home, it was the start of a new journey of emotions. It was such a load lifted from my shoulders to have him home, but I was unaware of the emotions this was going to chuck at me. He was quite ill for the first few days, which was scary. He told me he was like this in hospital but as he pushed me away I was unaware that what he was experiencing was normal. It was hard seeing him so ill and in so much pain, even when it came to bedtime I would wake through out the night as he woke. As Roger started to get his appetite back and his energy I was faced with guilt!!! Due to the operation hubby can’t lift heavy things, so when we are out and shopping he can’t lift the shopping. This is hard as I worry about how this makes him feel, as he can see me struggling and others can see him walking with nothing. I’m the one doing the driving which he says he could get used to even though he moans at me every single bloody car journey. These things are hard, as hubby is the one that usually does the driving and lifting of heavy bags etc. He is the one that usually looks after me when I have been in hospital not the other way round.
The past few months have been a roller coaster in so many ways not just emotional. We have seldom laughed or smiled if at all but yes we have argued, we have fell out, we have cried, we have held each other, we have snapped at each other and we have given each other the silent treatment (well that part is probs more me ) but no matter what after all of this we have felt so much closer to each other every time we have gone through one of these moments or emotions. When I’m facing these experiences I feel guilt for feeling that way and selfish for having those feelings. After letting everything out and talking to someone I feel so much better for it. Some people say let your emotions go and some people say be string and don’t let roger see how your feeling. I have always said it, Roger is my soul mate and knows me better then I know myself. If I’m sad or annoyed he can sense it. I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to my emotions about this thing that cuts you up or anything else then I cant keep it from him. Even the day after his op he could sense something was up. This man is my best friend as much as he drives me insane I love him to bits. He is so brave and such an inspirational person… No matter the feeling or emotion, let it out. You are only human!!!
