Just as you think this disease cannot slap you in the face anymore, the dreaded call happens…!!! 
I have known for a week or so that hubby was going to receive a call for the next step of his treatment, which was a date for the chemo to start. However it still come as one hell of a shock when he phoned me to tell me they was coming out the following Tuesday and chemo will start on the Thursday.
I had left to go pick the kids up from school, so was waiting outside for my not so little darlings to come and spoil my peace. The last thing I expected was a call from hubby with the words something along the lines off ‘ I have had a call from Health at Home, and they are coming Tuesday to do the blood test and have a chat and then chemo will start on the Thursday’. All I could reply with was ok……
I got off the phone and OMG!!!!! I was in shock and had no idea what to think, feel or even say to hubby. I told the older 3 kids when they got in the can and my big boy replied with “well that’s a good thing’ he was right but that did not stop me from being in shock that things just got a whole lot real again. The past few weeks had been hard, but at the same time normal in a way, almost like things used to be before we got hit with this crap disease.
When I got home I was still in shock, so came across cold to hubby . This hurt him as I did not go straight to him and hug him, which is what I suppose he needed after hearing the news about chemo. I’m only human and cant help the fact that I had all the negatives and side effects going through my mind and had no idea how to deal with it. Fear and the unknown are massive impacts when going through such a s**t journey especially when I have never experienced anything like this before and am constantly facing new challenges everyday. Due to this, all new challenges chucked at us are taking time to sink in, so while this happens my emotions can be sometimes over reacted and my hubby and the kids get it.
Over the following days things got really hard for all of us, there were heated conversations including me shouting at the kids for nothing. I suppose you can say they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I always went and spoke to them afterwards to explain why I snapped at them and say sorry. I have found things really hard more so over the past few days, hubby does not really want to talk about things and can get quite snappy at times which I suppose is understandable. I had been unable to really talk to anyone about what I’m going through and what the next hurdle could bring. My head was spinning with questions and I had no way of getting these questions answered. On top of which I was petrified of what was going to be happening and what the next few months are going to be like. The thought of hubby being sat in the house or ill in hospital and me running myself into the ground as I have to take on role of dad as well as mum and seeing the fear in the children’s faces breaks my heart. It will be like hubby is not around or part of the family, I try to think positive but its so hard when you hear so many people including the professionals explaining the side effects and how bad he could get. Yes he needs the chemo to get better, but omg… its going to be one hell of a challenge to overcome.
I am only human and have put up with so much since August and way before that, so surely it is natural for me to feel scared and even fed up that I am left to do it all….. Yes I’m his wife and the kids mum, but OMG… the love I have for this man is growing so much everyday and I hate that I cant make him better. It may sound silly but all I thrive for during the hard times is a hug and to be told all will be ok in the end, To some this may sound selfish, but please I am only human and have a heart and feelings. Dealing with all this on my own is bloody hard and I would not wish it on to anyone.
