I have had the aim and did try to write this blog since a week or so into the first cycle, however due to living the unknown of chemo I found myself unable to find time or have the motivation to write anything. This has more or less been the case for the past two weeks, there have been highs and lows and not all involving cancer and chemo, resulting in me feeling like I have not really been able to achieve much. I’m going to try and write this blog the best I can, as one thing I have had to come to terms with is that when you are having a day that is impacted by cancer, that day can pass by in a blur 
. My mind is so preoccupied on hubby and the kids and the future, nothing tends to stick so my memory can be quite vague at times.
At the time of writing this blog, hubby has just taken the last four tablets to complete his first cycle, and OMG… it has been an emotional roller coaster, with emotions from all of us all resulting more or less from the unknown and the stress that cancer and chemo causes. Hubby’s cycles last two weeks and in total has 6 to complete. We all have a long few months ahead of us, but all the heartache will be worth it to have a healthy hubby and the kids to have a health dad.
If you have read my blog “Chemotherapy and the first day” you will be fully aware how hard, challenging and scary the first day and evening was. Even though the following few days still gave us challenges it did get better as they days went by. By the time the second week came hubby was more or less back to his old self, it was great seeing him being able to go out side with out being wrapped up and doing daddy things like picking the kids up from school and helping out with doing things around the house like dinner and even pottering in the garden and hovering the t4. To some these may sound like silly things, but to me seeing hubby do things that he enjoys after being unable to for so long was such a special feeling. This man makes me so proud, even though he drives me insane more then once a day.
Going back to the beginning.. Cycle one
The past few weeks have not been easy for any of us, I feel so sorry for hubby as the oxaliplatin hit him hard and I believe that out of all the side effects that are possible with the oxaliplatin, hubby got more or less all of them. The day after the oxaliplatin IV hubby woke up with what seemed just tiredness and a sensitive arm. On arriving home from doing the school run, I was surprised to see him still in his pj’s. It was like a flash back to when he came home after his operation, he could not really do anything unless I was home. For the following 3 days he had to take steroids, anti- sickness tablets when needed along with Imodium. He seemed to be ok in the mornings but by lunch he was feeling really crappy and lethargic, the sensitivity to the cold did not help. He could not drink cold squash or even drink from a glass so went to drinking out a sports bottle. He also started to suffer with the hiccups, which proved to be distressing and they could go on for quite some time. On researching the hiccups I found they that they was a result from the anti-sickness drugs and can be common after chemo hubby managed to find away to get rid of them and they did eventually go after he stopped taking the anti-sickness drugs.
The first 2-3 days were hard, hubby managed to do a few bits in the morning but come the afternoon and evening he could not do much. This was hard to watch as on the Saturday we had promised to put the decorations up with the kids. We always have a buffet for dinner that hubby usually does while me and the kids do the decs and have a glass or two of mulled wine. This year was hard, he tried to help bring the decs down and did help himself to his food, which seemed to brighten him up, but he was unable to do much as he was feeling so lethargic. Luckily though this did not put a downer on the kids, we all tried to enjoy the time as much as possible.
As the days went by the side effects did seem to pass, sometimes as one went another one would come. It seemed to be well over a week though that hubby could not drink out of a glass or have anything to cold. So no ice-cream, yogurt or cold juice. He started off with flu like systems, sickness, sensitivity to the cold and sensitive /sore eye sockets. These started to pass however hubby then had tingling in his toes and headaches. To some these side effects may not mean much but they are massive, I mean they impacted on a daily activity like brushing your teeth and even peeling the potatoes for dinner and getting the milk out the fridge for a drink. When shopping he cold not hold things from the fridge or freezer for long, imagine how that must feel when you are a man, your out with your wife and she is doing everything.
As this was the first cycle, any such pain was a worry and made you sit and think if it was a cause for concern or if you was over reacting and it was in your head. It was a really scary few days and hubby did say he was not telling me everything, as he did not want to worry me. Which looking back at I understand, however at the time I was not happy, as I was scared something was going to happen just like he was. He was protecting the kids, and me and I respect him for that. As he started to feel better he was going out and picking the kids up from school and getting on with life. Even though he was feeling loads better I was still scared something was going to happen, If I had my way I would have wrapped him up in cotton wool.. but there was no way he would ever let me and I had to respect that. However he could never stop me from being scared and worrying and sometimes I feel like he found it hard to understand how I was reacting to things, due to the living in fear and the unknown. In his eyes I would over react, as I would moan at him if I could not get hold of him on his phone. I’m human and was bloody scared that something was going to happen. So I completely understand when looking back why he did not tell me everything. Just wish he could see why I over reacted in his eyes, I love this man with all my heart and more as everyday goes by. Going into the second week it was a great sight to see him get stronger as the days went by, and be able to join in with family activities and do the things he enjoys.
Cycle one was bloody hard but we got through it as a family, it saw so many emotions caused by the chemo and living the unknown. The kids and myself done as best we could considering how ill hubby was on the first night and the following few days. I cannot fault the kids with how they have dealt with life the past few months, I’m so proud of them. Cycle two is fast approaching and of course I’m scared, who wouldn’t be??? But bring it on!!!!!!! We will get through this one and all the others….
