Today (Friday 15th) has been a funny kind of day… in one way it’s been ok and in another way in my eyes it’s been pretty c**p!!!! I’m not the best at being positive at the moment and it does drive hubby up the wall, I do frustrate myself as well.
I am a wife and a mum that blogs the ups and downs of life. Yes at the moment my life is majority cancer, my hubby and my kids. What goes amiss a lot at the moment is that before this disease was chucked at my soul mate I was a mum looking for a job while my hubby worked away. Currently as much as he will argue it, I feel my life is all hubby, bloody cancer and being a mum. Hubby will always say in around a bout way that there is nothing stopping me from doing what I want and that by not fulfilling my dreams and not looking for a job, I’m letting cancer win. However my life is my hubby and my kids and I feel at the moment my hubby needs me even though I may not always be the strength that he may need, I have my moments of weakness just like any other person and sometimes for my hubby’s needs they are at the wrong time 
. I try my hardest to be strong for my hubby and kids but if a weak moment occurs I have come to realise that’s ok and I don’t care weather anyone else agrees with me or not.
How things can change…..
So today I woke up tired but also scared and in away positive, as hubby was facing cycle two of chemo. But oh wow….. things can change oh so quick with this bloody disease…. Today was not going to end as I expected it to.
As I’m sure you are aware, kids love sharing their germs so after the youngest came home with a cold and then him sharing his germs with me it was only natural that hubby was going to catch the cold.. I felt terrible, but having kids and it being Christmas/winter it was expected to happen. It is bloody typical though that being a bloke, a cold and cough is the end of the world… bloody man flue!!! My cold only lasted a few days but typical that hubbies lasted longer, it was hard to be sure if it was the chemo cycle one that had made the cold last longer as it knocks your immune system or if was just because he is a bloke…. When hubby has been ill in the past the colds do tend to linger….. so I did not really think any different with this current one.
On the morning of the blood test, the nurse was made aware that germs had been shared but hubby was on the mend and felt ok. So the following day when the call came through with the timing for the next cycle, I never thought anything else about the cold. I was preparing myself to face cycle two and kick ass!!!!! However it would seem, that may not be on the agenda for the day after all…. On getting ready to do the school run, hubby said he was not feeling great and not strong enough to do chemo So was going to talk to the nurse and see what he says. I understood what hubby was saying, he was the same after his operation and trying to sort the chemo out. If he is not strong enough in his mind then he will not do whatever he is meant to do, and in this case it was starting cycle two. I did not believe the nurse or doctor would let him postpone his cycle, but fully understood what hubby was saying and would support him no matter what.
On returning from the school run the nurse had already arrived, on walking through the door hubby looked at me and shook his head to say it had been cleared for him to post pone cycle two until after Christmas. Its hard because in the eyes of the medical professionals hubby is more then fine and healthy to have the chemo, however he does not feel strong enough and is scared I suppose of the side effects that could make the cough and his chest worse because of the effects from cycle one. He also fears being ill and ending up in hospital over Christmas because of the cough and possible side effects, he does not wont to spoil Christmas for the kids.
I fully understand his feelings; it’s hard to know what to do for the best in cases like this, as everyone is different. There is nothing to say that hubby would even get any side effects this time. So with that in mind it is hard to except that this disease will be hanging over the family for even longer. Somebody said to me only today that they bet I can’t wait for this year to be over with, and they are right but I’m also wishing next year away as well, well at least the ¾ of the year anyway. We will be bringing in the New Year with round two of chemo instead of round 3 and celebrating being half way through. It does not help that there is the constant worry that the cancer is spreading due to the delay in the chemo.
Like all of us I just want this journey to be over, I don’t want my kids to keep seeing their dad ill and being told they cant do something because of this rubbish disease. I want them to be kids and not grow up quicker then they have to!!! Then they have already …. It makes it harder as you look at hubby and you would never realise he is going through chemo as he looks so well. So knowing what is going to happen after Christmas is hard going.
These feelings are always at the back of my mind and I expect will be until the new year, but for hubby and my kids, its all about Christmas. Him and my kids deserve it after the horrible few months they have all been through and will continue to go through next year. At the end of the week my kids go on holidays and its going to be all about making memories and spending time together as a family. With plenty of laughter, smiling and eating loads of chocolate. Yes hubby gets tired on a night but for the next few weeks this disease can do one. Then the new year this disease that is hanging over this family can sod off!!!!!
