I started this blog two days after Roger’s op, but due to many reasons I never had the time to finish it. Being honest, I also had the feelings of quitting the blog due to the impact of everything, my emotions and the feeling of loneliness.
This blog was never just about myself and the challenges and journey my family are going through, it is about so much more. It is about raising awareness that people are not alone, weather its through cancer, being a mum, looking for a job while bringing up children and even being a mum to children while their dad works away.
One thing I have learned through this life changing experience is that support from professionals and organisations for the family is minimal and hard to access. Maybe this is because hubby is not critical, or because of where we live. It is also extra hard for me being the main carer as I do not live near my family 
so apart from phone calls from my family and support from friends, it can sometimes feel quite lonely. I long for that hug that no words are needed. Due to Facebook not being updated, it resulted in me being inundated with people messaging me, for updates on how things are. I never had 5 minutes to myself, at this point I was still adamant that I was not blogging anymore. After talking to an old friend, it made me rethink things as to why I was doing the blog in the first place. My blog is to support other people and to keep family and friends updated with the process of our journey with living with cancer and the impact it has on you as an individual and a family.
This past week, with the operation and then recovery there have been a mixture of different emotions and it has not helped by how extremely busy I have been as a result of this horrible disease. It was not until the day after the operation it hit me as roger lay there helpless on his bed, just how much support and care he will need as he works to getting back on to his feet. The day after it was the size of the cut and extent of the operation, however none of that matters as he is tumour free and on the road to recovery. Maybe these feelings hit later then expected, as it was never made clear the full extent and how major the operation was going to be. The possible set backs, what they was going to do, the nil by mouth, the loss of appetite being just a few of the aftermath of the operation.
Over the past few weeks I have expressed so many emotions as I have been trying to come to terms with what has happened and what is going on with Roger. While trying to come to terms with and deal with everything, I’ve still had to be a parent. I’ve had to play mum and dad, I have to do the football runs, sort the homework which when it comes to maths is dads job, I have had to do the school runs, stop the fights. As well as all of this my role as a wife has taken on visiting the hospital everyday, a constant feeling of fear and worry, updating people including rogers friends of his progress and make sure Roger had everything he needed. These are just a touch on things I have had to do over the past week, while Roger was in hospital.
While Roger was in hospital, his progress was slow but he got there in the end. He did have a few set backs and at one point was told he needed to have a tube up his nose as he was having trouble with the hic-cups and feeling sick. It seemed that his bowel was working but the middle gut was not playing the game fair. This resulted in the hic-cups and feelings of sickness, which caused the setbacks. These side effects can happen and it was explained after the operation, but that does not prevent you from becoming upset and an emotional mess when your husband messages you in the morning telling you that he needs a tube up his nose as he had been sick. Being told things like this are horrible, and it always plays on my mind how scared Roger would be facing things on his own. Roger often said how he was feeling, he hates hospitals and needles and was scared about the length of the cut. After the operation I joked he was a wimp as he was pressing the Morphine often. I was hurt by individuals comments to this, as I was joking and Roger understood why I was saying it. Of course he was going to press the morphine, he had just undergone a major operation. But please, I know my husband and he is the biggest wimp going when it comes to needles and hospitals. However under no circumstances would I call him a wimp and mean it after everything he has gone through, he has faced this journey head on with strength and courage. I could not be more proud of him, even when he does do things to annoy me.
Roger did not really start to pick up until the weekend, as he refused the tube up the nose. He continued to feel sick, so they gave him a anti sickness/gut starter injection on the Saturday. He slept more or less all of Saturday from what I hear, I did not visit him on the Saturday as he was having family and friends visit and I did not want to bombard him with people when he was feeling so crap. As he slept most of the day, Sunday he was feeling better and got up and dressed, he had all tubes apart from the drip removed. It was so good to hear, but I felt crap as I could not visit again. I was up and almost ready to go and visit with Rylee when he said he did not feel well, as all his siblings had been ill I could not chance passing this on to Roger.
Roger never had his drip removed until the Tuesday and then had to be monitored. Even though it had been mentioned he maybe able to go home on the Tuesday, it was clear he was not going to come home until the Wednesday. It was hard seeing how frustrated he was becoming but he was in the best place. He would be home in good time and when his body was ready.
My emotions have been all over the place, I’m only human. Through all of this I have had many ups and downs. I have found it hard as Roger was to ill to communicate with me while in hospital, so I became frustrated as I could not be with him and had no idea how he was. I was scared he was feeling scared and lonely, he is my soul mate and did not want he to feel like that.
