The day is getting nearer for hubby to get this thing out that is causing him to be so ill.
Like the past few weeks, my emotions have been high and low which is I suppose expected for what I’m going through. How ever the past day or so, my emotions have changed within a split second and then changed back again. Today my tummy has been in knots, which I expect will get worse by the time Tuesday morning comes. I’m not the best person to be round when the nerves kick in, I’m sure Roger will agree with me. I tend to snap a lot at people for no reason as my nerves get the better of me 
My emotions are mixed for Tuesday, I’m happy that this thing is being removed at last and that hopefully within the next few weeks I will slowly get my soul mate back. He will not be so tired and will have me running around after him as he plays on that he has had an operation. But hey I could not give a monkeys, I will have my hubby home so to a point he can play on it all he wants. Well for the first day or so anyway. I’m also feeling scared, scared for Roger and myself in different ways. The feeling scared and anxiety of the unknown and being fully aware of Roger’s fears are putting my tummy into knots. He is the biggest wimp going, I have had 4 C-sections and he has been to all of them. Yet he hates things like needles, even though he has been a pincushion for the past 6 weeks or so. It’s also hard, as we have had many conversations about Roger fears about having a colostomy bag and most recently the operation, being cut open and what may be attached to him. It’s hard as I am usually the one that goes to hospital and Roger is the one being brave. Roles in a way have reversed and I’m trying my damn hardest to stay strong. I’m not doing that well as I keep breaking down or snapping and Roger is comforting me. All I can see is Roger coming out the operating theatre attached to tubes, which he is scared stiff about. I’m keeping everything crossed that it has not spread and he will not need chemo.
Some people may call me selfish for these feelings, but I am also worrying about driving to see Roger next week, I am not the most confident driver. I am worried about the stress the week will bring me, which is crazy as I have coped many times on my own for months while Roger was away in the army. I think the biggest thing is knowing the discomfort and loneliness and worry Roger will be feeling while in hospital. I’m worried that Roger will be to scared to move after the op and will not be able to cope with the bag. I’m worried that he wont let me touch him, or cuddle him like a few weeks ago. I am worried he will become depressed, or if he will need chemo.
I am always being told not to over think things but I can not help it. I am not a person that can take each day as it comes. I have to have some sort of plan in my head. I have to prepare myself for what is going to happen. So all this stepping in to the unknown is hard.
It did not help that my youngest wanted me to rewind the TV tonight as he wanted to watch an advert on cancer. Then when I took him to bed he was sobbed his heart out as he did not want me to take daddy to the hospital on Tuesday. He does not want his uncle he wants his mum my baby boy is so up and down and confused bless him. He is only just 8 and seems to have more of an understanding then I first thought, but is still confused by it all.
It is going to be one hell of a week, but we are going to beat cancer and I will get my hubby back. I may snap, I may cry if someone says hello, so I’m sorry in advance, but please bare with me for the next couple of weeks until hubby is home.
