This is the third blog that I have done within 4 weeks… sorry that should say attempted and started and yet to finish in the past 4 weeks.
Why am I not writing-blogging??? Why am I not completing what Im starting??? Why can I not concentrate?? Why am I not achieving what I’m setting out to do?? Why am I struggling with writing my blogs? Why do I feel like my days are being wasted??? My mind is constantly going round at the moment..even when I’m in bed when I’m meant to be sleeping, it don’t friggin stop. Yet when it comes to putting my thoughts to paper I just cant seem to get my hand to write my thoughts as my mind has gone blank!!!!
It’s currently half term for the kids and my aim is to try my damn hardest to complete this blog…. I need to complete it.. for me!!!! For some this may not be much of a big deal but for me I’m setting myself a challenge and for my own peace of mind I need to fulfil this. My mind is spinning with so many ideas of things I want to do, things I want to share….. I am determined to put my thoughts down on paper and get a blog wrote and published by the time half term is over.
The past few months have been so busy and challenging for so many reasons, at times its been pretty tough. I seem to have lost all motivation to do anything, from planning meals for the week to taking time out for me and going for a run or doing a work out. I don’t like to believe this but its been about a month since I did any proper physical activity and I’m starting to feel it in many ways. Up until about a month ago I was making time for me.. I was working out, I was reading, I was making time for me… I think in the past month I have achieved one run!! I just find myself coming up with excuses not to do things and then when I remember I’m to tired and put off doing it again. The past few days I’ve done a lot of thinking about life, me, my family, cancer, why I am the way I am at the moment…. The list is probs endless. So I thought why not write what and how I’m feeling and share with my page as maybe I may be able to help somebody who is feeling the same. I mean I’m sure as scooby not the only person who is struggling with life’s challenges at the moment that’s for sure.
I’m a mum to four kids two of which are sitting exams.. and wife to one hubby who is in remission for bowel cancer and to make life even more challenging, we are currently in the process of selling our house. We all have tough times and daily challenges to face, just sometimes we don’t always feel up to facing them, so as a result may not face them how we should or usually do. There may be numerous reasons as to why we react in this way, tiredness, maybe not feeling to well or even your mind is just preoccupied with other things. Life is never gonna be straight forward all the time!!
The past few months have been so busy that when thinking about it all, maybe the past few weeks have just been to much for me….. or have they? The past few weeks have deffo been tougher on the old mum front with what feels like so many added duties. My days are so jam packed with mum duties that there is seldom 5 minutes spare for me, more so at the moment with the eldest two siting A’Levels and GCSE’s. All I seem to do is round trips to one school or the other at the moment, I could do the school run I’m sure like other mums with my eyes shut. Take children to school, pick child up from school after exam, take a child to school for lesson, pick a child up from school as he don’t feel well. Take 3 children to school first thing in the morning and yet only come home with two and sometimes one at the end of the day, Im so appreciative that hubby usually does the end of day school pick up.
Before my life got so crazy busy I was able to write a blog every week or at least every other, I felt like I was growing my page and starting to connect and support others who have been or are going through similar challenges as me. I was able to go for a run or work out at least 3 times a week and was starting to see a change and feel a change in my confidence both body and mind. I was ensuring I was having me time after doing a 10 day feel good challenge and realising how important it was for me, I was starting to look after me!!. I was starting to feel a difference inside and out, I was feeling healthier then I had done in a long time both in mind and soul.
I was starting to feel happy and content with myself and life! Hubby is in remission, I’m working out and trying to except who I have become after an incredibly tough few years. I was starting to love me and try and work my mind in to excepting my body and me!!! Then just like that something happened and I seem to have lost all my confidence, I hate my body and my anxiety has come out to play! Resulting in my diet contains mostly rubbish food and lots of chocolate washed down with lots of caffeine, pop and of course Prosecco. The past few months have been challenging especially with hubby’s bowels not playing nice resulting in minimal sleep some nights, but life must go on… I’m a mum after all.
To start with I managed fine fitting everything in when mums taxi had extra duties!! I managed to get my work out in and fulfil my mum duties, but my blogs did slip resulting in only 2 this year so far!! I found it so hard to write in the car while waiting for the part time student, it was peaceful though which was lush. I just could not hold concentration, I suppose it never helped that sometimes her lesson only lasted 5 minutes thanks to the teachers not showing up and lessons being cancelled.
Life was busy but life was good…. Then about 6 weeks ago things started to go down hill almost but yet didn’t really they just felt like it, life just got busier and more stressful. I started to find it hard to find the time to do my work outs or go for a run, I was doing them but not as often. Then easter came and it became hard to do my workouts in the house with the kids being around and I had lost all motivation to go for a run by this time. Ive never really been one that is big on healthy eating or fitness but since hubby was ill I’ve started to look after myself more and watch what I eat. Over easter this all went out the window, It was easter after all so eating chocolate through out the day and washing it down with prosecco on an evening is obviously a must. I was not concerned as I believed like always that after the holidays I would immediately go back on track with my diet and working out.
For some reason though its not worked out like that and I cant explain why! It’s almost like I’ve gone back to square one… someone that has no confidence in herself body and sole and is allowing her anxiety and lack of motivation to over ride things that is starting to impact not just me. This is not me… this is not who I am anymore!!! When I realised that my anxiety and over thinking were becoming to much I knew I had to do something and I did and still am. Changing your mind set is not just something that changes at the click of your fingers, it takes time.
At the beginning of the year I did a 10 day challenge for self esteem and it was an eye opener I loved it. I am currently doing a reframing anxiety course along with journaling and reading the “secret”.. I also follow some amazing and inspirational people on social media! With working on getting back to working out. Before this set back as that’s what it is I was becoming content and I will find that feeling again as remember ITS OK TO NOT BE OK!!!! Talk or even write your feelings down, you are not alone.
