Feeling really emotional……..
This blog is proving hard to write, not sure if it’s because it’s the Easter holidays or because I can’t stop thinking about the next challenge we face. I’m not sure whats happened but the beginning has been deleted and restarted so many times I’ve lost count.
It’s safe to say the past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me, which yes is strange considering Roger got the all clear just over a week ago. However we have gone back to living the unknown in respect too the following hurdle we face in a few weeks time, It’s hard to explain really unless you have walked my journey I don’t think you would ever truly understand.
The following hurdle is a positive one, it’s a hurdle that enables us to move on to the next chapter in our lives. It allows the children to be children again, after having to grow up quick the past 9 months. It allows us to focus on the future and ensure we have a better summer then we did last year and focus on the dreams we had before life chucked us this crap card.
So why am I so emotional??? I’m emotional because I’m scared, I’m emotional because of the feeling and living with the unknown, emotional because I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’ve done a lot of thinking, talking to hubby and reading other blogs and stories of cancer this week and by doing so its made me look at things in a different way. I am an individual who is married to my hero, he is a veteran and someone who has beat cancer!!!!!!!! I am an individual who has single handed brought 4 children up while her husband served in the army and toured Iraq twice, which on the second time we lived in Germany and have not lived near any of my family since leaving home many moons ago. I am an individual that has supported her husband through cancer, I am an individual who met her husbands every need the best I could during his illness and became mum and dad to the children once more. I am an individual that will get passed the next journey and anything else that life decides to chuck at me!!!!
Even though the next operation for hubby is no where near as major as the first one it does still opposes difficulties like any operation. It’s hard because things did not go to plan for hubby when he was going through recovery for the removal of the tumour, so this plays heavy on my mind. It does not help that I did it all on my own apart from the day of the op I was all on my own, visiting hubby and playing mum and dad to the kids. He was in hospital for 8 days last time which was longer then we was told, fingers crossed he won’t be in the hospital over the weekend this time and for no where near as long. Then there is the recovery period while in hospital and when he comes home, he won’t be able to drive or even lift the kettle. Not to mention that every time you go near him he will cover his tummy and I expect push the animals away like last time. ? So yes this is another hurdle to cross and a positive one, especially as there was always the chance the ileostomy could have been permanent. However though as much as it’s positive it’s still bloody scary and does not help when you keep having flash backs from the first operation or when you think about the reason behind the reversal.
Everyone has down days and when walking in my steps I believe you would to, my soul mate is going to be frail and in pain while building up his strength but it won’t be for ever. I can and will get through this next hurdle and then will get over the next one and the next one. This journey has changed me as an individual and made me feel so much stronger in myself. I have low days and have my days that I don’t want to be me but I then have positive days and will fight what is chucked at me. It’s ok to have these days, I’ve learnt that as time goes on things will get easier and I will be able to look at a blog or picture with out getting emotional. Or maybe I will but for different reasons!! It will take time but I will get there.
My husband had cancer!!! And beat it!!! Keeping everything crossed it don’t come back, but if it does we will fight it again.
