I’m not sure what word I hate the most, cancer or chemo….. They are both s**t and both cause your life to turn upside down.
Hubby has yet to start his chemo 
☹ and there is still no date as when this will start. Its driving me mad that it is taking so long. I suppose to some I am being selfish when I say I am desperate for the chemo to start, as the sooner it starts the sooner it ends and we can move on to the reversal of the ileostomy. We can then move on with our lives and fulfil the dreams we have in place for the family. The biggest reason I want this chemo to hurry up and start is because I am scared, scared of this c**p disease spreading and becoming terminal. ☹
Hubby has taken so long to decide his treatment for many different reasons; I believe the main reason being is fear. I understand fear has played a massive part in his decision, fear of becoming ill, fear of being a burden on his family, fear he has made the right choice, fear he will not be strong enough to cope, fear of the side effects, fear of the unknown, fear of becoming ill like he did in hospital, the fear goes on…… Fear I believe is the biggest emotion not just for hubby but also for me and for the children. I fear the cancer will spread, I fear he will be really ill, I fear he will delay the chemo over Christmas as he does not want to impact the children any further. ☹ Fear in a cancer journey to me is a massive word that plays a big part in emotion.
It has taken to long in my eyes, but I could not make the decision this one was all on hubby. It feels like a long time coming but hubby has finally made his decision and has contacted the professor. The professor has confirmed he has contacted all relevant parties and we are back on the waiting game!!!! ☹ The waiting game and the unknown bloody sucks… it happens too much in such a c**p time for such an awful disease. Especially when we were told at the first chemo appointment it would take a matter of days and it’s been about a week so far.
I am trying my hardest to stay positive which is bloody hard going, especially when I look at hubby and you would never believe he has cancer and seven weeks ago had a major operation. It really hurts when it hits you in the face that he has cancer and is awaiting chemo, I can not control how I feel when this happens. People say you need to stay strong, hold back the emotions and don’t tell hubby how you feel. This is hard, as me and hubby have become so bloody close over the past few months he knows me better then I know myself. We have always been close, but I cannot keep anything from him at the moment. ☹
Fingers crossed this week we hear something about the chemo and we can prepare to face this c**p thing full on. I want my hubby back and the kids want their dad.. I want my hubby to be buggering off on his bike and fulfilling his dreams, I want to have a job and take the pressure away from hubby. I want to get on with life with my not so little family.
#bowelcancer #chemo #waitinggame #unknown #inthistogether#fightingcancer #screwyoucancer
