This week hubby was meant to start cycle 4!!!!
I had an emotional day the day before, which considering the previous two cycles this in my eyes was expected. When the day arrived I was feeling anxious as I had no idea how the day was going to go, but by the end of the day hubby would have started cycle 4… Well, that was what should have happened anyway!!!!
Before the nurse arrived hubby was complaining he was not feeling right and also feeling sick, he made it clear even though he may have some anxiety he was not feeling this way because of that.
This to me was not making sense as before I took the kids to school he was driving me mad as he was in wind up mode, yes he was a bit snappy but I put this down to his nerves starting to kick in.
When the nurse arrived she was asking us how we both was and explaining what extras she had brought to try and ensure roger was not going to experience any more unnecessary pain. I could see hubby was starting to feel more anxious, I cant remember what or why it was said but hubby did make it clear that he does not think he will be able to take the full IV as he was not feeling great and had pain in his hand from the blood test the day before. The nurse was unable to explain as to why roger was having pain In his hand, this seems to be the normal answer these days for any queries we have, or the other one is “ oh that’s normal it’s the chemo”.
The few minutes it took for the nurse to sort the bits out for the cannula and Roger preparing himself seemed like ages, to me hubby was trying his hardest to put this off even though he would probably deny this.I could tell his mind was not with it today, he seemed all over the place. This was flipping horrible to see! watching my best friend, my soul mate becoming almost distant in his mind because he is over thinking and things are starting to hit him is one of the worst things to see.
When the time came I was sat the other end of the sofa to roger, I did this to try and give him space and because he usually says he is fine. However I believe as soon as the nurse touched rogers hand with the cannula more or less immediately the pain started and it seemed not to get any better. I could not bare watching so did get up and move to Roger to hold his hand as I could see that the pain was getting to much for him. He was flinching and did say it was hurting, the needle for the cannula was not going in easy . When the cannula was in before being taped into place it needs a little saline to go through to ensure its in correct and going to do its job. Well that was it!!!! The saline was causing to much pain, so hubby told the nurse, she said she was unhappy to continue with that vein as it should not hurt like that. The plan was to pull it out and do it again, however things are never that simple in this house. Hubby was not in the right frame of mind and was in pain, he needed to be on his own so went up stairs to sort himself out. While writing this I can picture hubby standing next to me and saying he is not going to be able to try again, the pain, fear, sadness and anxiety in his face was heart breaking.
Before the nurse left she did sit and talk to roger for a few minutes, it was almost like you could say that the past few months had just hit him. He could not answer when he would be able to try again for the next cycle. It would be within the next two weeks though, the nurse was going to ring hubby later on in the day so he would tell her then. Well that was the plan, it seemed by the time she phoned hubby had not really changed his mind set, so failed to sort the next cycle out. I think he kept playing things over in his mind like what happened that morning and probably something like why cant I just get on with it…Being tired and fed up does not help either..
Through out the rest of the day, he was quite emotional, I had not seen him like this since he got diagnosed.I think he felt that he was letting everyone down as he kept saying sorry, he said he wish he could man up and just get on with it. Listening to my hubby saying this about himself was heart breaking, to me he was hero, my solider that was brave and let nothing knock him. So holding him tight while he was becoming more and more upset was hard!!!! I feel it took him until the following day to sort his head out and snap out the mind set he had got himself in. It was Bizarre I found myself saying things to him that he says to me, you could see that he new I was right in what I was saying. I believe I did make him smile when I said “What I’m saying to you is what you say to me, you need to take note of your own words”.
He was not 100% the day after either but he did sort out the blood test to give cycle 4 another go. As the days have gone by, he is much more his old self but is still in loads of pain with his hand, he has a nice bruise from the attempt of the cannula. I have no idea how the next cycle is going to go or the following few months, but what I can be sure of is the love I have for my husband is growing day by day. He is a fighter and this is not going to beat him or us as a family. !!!!!
