A year ago to the day my husband underwent a life changing operation, an operation that would move a cancerous tumour resulting in him being left with a stoma. Until he came out the theatre we had no idea if the stoma was for life or just while his insides healed.
The lead up to this operation was heart breaking, I’m fighting back the tears as i write this reliving the moments, the most terrifying moments to date in my life!!! Remembering the visit to the hospital the day before the operation, watching roger get marked up for his ileostomy or colostomy, watching the fear in his face, trying to hold back my own tears and fear while listening and taking in everything the nurse was explaining. One thing that really sticks out in my mind from this hospital appointment was the fact we got ignored!!!!! People walked past us, people stood next to us and yet not one person stopped and asked if we was ok. Then if that was not bad enough, hubby was not able to use the toilet on the ward as he was not a patient!!!! Wtf!!!! Even when i told them he had bowel cancer they still refused to let him, resulting in having to head back to the entrance of the hospital to the nearest toilet in hope that he would make it in time.
Later that day, early evening hubby had to start his bowel prep!!!! So if the fear of going in for a huge operation was not enough he was about to spend the following few hours running to the toilet, resulting in him being completely drained of the last bit of his energy. I took the eldest son to his football training leaving the eldest in charge with strict instructions to contact me if needed, which she did! giving me updates every so often. I got moaned at quite a bit for taking my eldest son to training that night and while roger was in hospital by other family members which annoyed me. One thing me and roger spoke about and agreed was that this was going to impact as little as posssible on the kids, during our cancer journey our kids had to grow up quick along with witness things kids should not see. So keeping routine for them and taking the boys to football was important to me and not something i was going to stop doing lightly.
When we arrived at football, Cameron ran off and i spoke to his coaches. They asked how he was along with me and the kids, I replied with I believe…. he is ok I left him running to and fro the toilet preparing for the operation. Followed with I left the eldest in charge so could I please take Cameron bang on time tonight as I need to get back home for roger and the kids. That hour went pretty quick to be honest and that’s all I can remember, it’s a blur in my mind. Part of me wants to say I spoke to my mum and another part wants to say I went and got fuel in between talking to Keeley. As I had started smoking again I probably hid somewhere and had a fag!!!! I was clock watching as I wanted to get home, i wanted to be my family and hubby!!!!
The night before the operation is a blur in a way, I vaguely remember siting and watching roger on the sofa he was watching Rylee on his laptop, I took a photo and captured a moment that will always bring a sad thought and tear to my eye. The fear… the anxiety…. the tiredness shown in his face is almost unbearable to look at, my soul mate was terrified and there was nothing I could do about it apart from be there for him. This does not always seem enough though, this man was going to have a life changing operation and there was nothing I could do apart from hold his hand. After settling the kids down and making sure everything was sorted for tomorrow, i cant remember exactly what we done but I expect it went something like this….. we laid on the sofa holding each other tight while I had a glass or two of wine. I expect I smoked several fags that night before trying to get an early night as I was not expecting to get much sleep that night, strangely we both got a reasonable amount before a really early start.
We was up before the kids that morning, my chest was so tight, i was shaking and my tummy was in knots i was petrified… tears rolled down my face and i could not help it. I obviously had a fag before the kids woke up standing outside with Roger talking and trying to stay calm. I just wanted to get this day over with just like Roger!!!!!! Obviously my kids struggled with their emotions during the day, my youngest crying his eyes not wanting me to leave him. The pressure and stress that i had for leaving my kids was immense and it only got worse during the day but that’s another story in its self.
The journey was long to the hospital and the wait for the operation was even longer!!!!! Nurses coming in and out asking questions….. then the time came, !!! It was time to get this thing out and kick cancers ass!!!!!! Holding Roger tight as he was unsuccessfuly holding back the tears as they asked his date of birth and name. God watching him walk to the stairs with the nurse, the fear and tears was f****ing hard. Trying to hold back my tears when all i wanted to do was to fall to the ground and sob my heart out and to be held so tight while hearing the words its going to be ok…. Roger will be fine!!!! This of course never happened!!!!! I held back the tears and never got the hug that i longed for… not that day or even the day after.
Several hours passed before we heard anything from the theatre, it was a huge relief to hear the nurse say” Roger is fine and in recovery and is making sure I’m informed of the news. Thank fuck!!!!!!! He is ok…. he was soon back on the ward talking crap as he was high on morphine and pain relief. Such a huge weight lifeted from my shoulders, it felt amazing. The week he was in hospital was not easy, he took a couple of step backs which was hard, but thats something else… another blog. He was going to be ok thats the important thing!!!!
This was a year ago to the day!!!!!!!! Last night we had a crap night with someone’s bowels but it was 100% not the worst night we have had since this journey started. We have been for a run this morning!!!! We did a 3k and hubby i believe did 8k a few weeks ago…. a year ago he could not even do 1k. Hubby can go out on his motor bike which was not always that easy before the reversal. He has even taken a test and become a blood biker!! A year ago i was unable to hold him tight and close as he was so sensitive on the stomach, i was so scared of hurting him. As a family we have even done a 5 mile walk to help raise awarness for bowel cancer. These are all things that at the begining of the journey that would never have been given a thought as they would have been a no go. The past year has been bloody tough but we kicked cancers ass!!!!!! Roger is in remission!!!! So FUCK U CANCER!!!!
