It’s been a year already….
On the 31st August 2018 it will be 1 year since my husband my soul mate was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer…… a year since we started our cancer journey, a year of being on an emotional roller coaster!!!!!!
This time last year I was living with a huge secret, hanging on every call or letter for a date for when this would end…….. if I remember rightly that call came on the 30th August. I had an appointment the same day, I asked Roger if he wanted me to cancel the appointment and he replied with no he would be fine going on his own, it didn’t help that we had no one to look after the kids. I’m kicking myself that I never went but there is nothing I can do about it as its in the past.
Part of me believes that he said he was ok to go on his own as he believes it was not cancer and had nothing to worry about, but then the other part of me believes he was just saying that to me so I would not cancel my appointment…. When thinking back my mind spins thinking what was going around his mind when he got the call and why he said no to me going with him… I remember the conversation about the phone call as clear as day but any memory of the rest of the day is a pure blur, just like the morning before the appointment.
The day of the appointment came, it was I believe late morning… I cant remember the fine details, I think we left roughly at the same time and I think I was even back from my appointment before hubby had even got to his. I was proper clock watching from the minute I got back home, after so long I really started to panic and obviously think the worse as you do. I kept thinking he should be home already, what’s taking so long, why has he not called, why. Has he not replied to my messages????? After what felt like years I remember talking to him on the phone, by this time my emotions had got the better of me…… I was petrified of what he was going to say, I just wanted this all over…… the only information I got from him over the phone was that he was on his way home and he would tell me what was said when he got back, I think I then put the phone down on him as he would not tell me what happened which obviously p****d me off and sent my emotions even more wild.
It felt like it took ages for him to come home and then when he did get home he had to put his bike away…… then we had to wait for the kids to go back to their rooms so we could talk as they was having lunch. Eventually I was able to ask him what happened and what was said… we was in the kitchen, I was sat on the work top and he was in front of me. I cant remember the exact words but I do recall him saying he had bowel cancer!!!!! It was good news that it had not spread but I never looked at it like that…… my husband my soul mate had just told me that he had been diagnosed with bowel cancer while sat in a room with strangers and I was not there for him, I immediately broke down with fear and anger. Sobbing my heart out and thumping the work top…. My husband had cancer…. I was right all along!!!!! Why????? Why????? Why?????? We held each other tight… he held me close why I sobbed my heart out. I cant explain why but within a matter of minutes I had pulled myself together and stopped crying. I had been told some really crap news but it was like someone had told me to pull myself together and to sort myself out as I needed to be strong for Roger and the kids.
I cant remember why or how, but I remember being the other side of the room and turning to face Roger. I asked him what we was going to do with the children, (are we going to tell them that their dad has cancer!) He replied with something along the lines of “we are going to tell them, we are going to be open and honest with them” I remember getting the children from their rooms… I have never seem them move so quick. I remember going back into the kitchen to get Roger, walking in on him sobbing his heart out was horrible seeing a man cry is tough as its not something that is usually witnessed.
Telling the children that their dad had cancer was awful and probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, seeing their faces brake in tears was heart braking. After we pulled ourselves together we decided the best thing to do was to get out the house. We went and got the last few bits of the school uniform and went for a walk on the beech, what better then the open beech and some family time to clear your head and try to get your head around what was going on.
The rest of the day is a blur in my memory, which I have found to be a common thing during a cancer journey. After getting home it was time to start breaking the news to people, i would have liked to keep it to just us until the day after but it was down to roger. Telling people made it real, the bubble we have been living in has been burst and life has just become a lot more challenging. Roger only told his dad and brother, I could not bring myself to tell anyone, I needed more time to come to terms with what happened earlier on in the day.
At the moment of writing this blog my head is spinning with emotion, I’m not sure if its sad or not but I cant even recall what we did in the evening which I believe in a way to be sad. I’m not alone though as hubby cant really recall memories from that night either. He suggested we was probably drinking a glass or bottle of wine, which I 100% believe, while talking, cuddling and trying to get our heads around the crappy news. I expect I also spent the night down stairs crying into another glass of wine and achieved very little sleep. I think its safe to say since hubby came home and said he was having tests for cancer sleep for me has more or less gone out the window, even to this day I still don’t sleep properly thanks to the C word!!!!!
Exactly one year on, after a major operation and 4 cycles of poison being pumped into his body hubby is in remission… after 4 months since his ileostomy reversal we are some how managing to live life with some normality, in between all the toilet trips. Last summer we was living with a secret and it ended with crap news, this year we have had fun and had some real quality time with the family and that’s because we kicked cancer right up the ass!!!!!!! As individuals we have become stronger and as a family we have become indestructible thanks to cancer!!!!
The photo used for this blog was taken on the day Roger was diagnosed with bowel cancer and we went for a walk along the beech. Just like i spoke about in the blog.
