If someone had said to me that my blog would include cancer i probably would have told them there was no chance, i was only just starting out blogging and cancer was not something i really wanted to write about again after doing it in uni on top of which only old people get cancer!!. I never dreamed that i would experience cancer in some way or that it is nearing a year that my best friend/ my soul mate was to diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer. The next few weeks we are reaching milestones that bring back some crappy memories and no doubt many tears, as I’m writing this tears are filling my eyes.
A year ago i had to keep a huge secret for about 3 weeks, it was honestly the worst and most hardest thing i have ever done.
On the morning of 9th of August 2017 hubby had a colonoscopy due to being unwell for some time and by the evening i was living with the biggest secret ever.
I went with hubby to the hospital in the morning for his colonoscopy, i was unable to go in with him and he was being sedated, which was fine so i went home as the hospital is only about 20minutes down the road and i mean its not like anything is going to happen or he was going to be given any results!!!!! I did have two of the kids with me the youngest and eldest son, i made the oldest one get up to come with me as i had never driven to the hospital so was petrified and my big boy is fab with directions. I’m not the most confident of drivers especially in an area I’ve never driven in before.
I cant remember exactly why but by the time i picked hubby up from the hospital some hours later after the time he said i was in a horrible mood, I’m not 100% sure but i think it was something to do with the fact things took longer then he said resulting in me being right as usual. 🙂 obviously this was not his fault the NHS do a fab job but omg they are overly worked resulting in things taking longer then they should. I could probs say my mood was mixed with extreme anxiety as i was driving in areas i was unsure of and not forgetting hubby had just had a nasty test to try and find out what was wrong with him. Obviously when reflecting back my mood was silly but i’m only human and I’m sure like many of us the men usually are the ones that get it in the neck.
When we got home even though i never asked how it went at the hospital or how he was feeling, i mean i was annoyed still with him but i did make sure he was ok. It was obvious he was in discomfort and was still not 100% with it from being sedated, he was suffering with extreme trapped wind thanks to the colonoscopy. He kept laying on the floor on his belly as advised by the nurses which seemed to help ease the pain a little, i was still annoyed with him but cant really recall much as i think the news i got much later on has wiped that part of my memory. I was still unaware at this point that they had found something as for some reason he never told me, he would probs say that was because i was in a mood with him which obviously i was and i never asked him how it went. I never asked him how it went as i could see he was in pain and was under the impression they would not have said anything to him as i have no experience with how things like a colonoscopy work. Obviously i understand them a bit better as time has gone on and of course they would say something to Roger as they found something and had to do a biopsy.
It was not until much later on that i do have a vague memory of him turning around and saying “do you want to know how it went?” I think i may have turned around and said no!! I mean cancer never entered my head, i was fed up with him and to men things are always worse then they actually are. On top of which if it was anything serious he would have said as soon as he got home or while he was still at the hospital, WOW!! HOW WRONG WAS I!!!!!!! When we got home yes there was an atmosphere between us and he will say it was either because of my mood or it was not the right time as we had the kids, but mood put a side!!!! Cancer!!!!! He should have said something sooner rather then later and in away i will always hold that close to me. I had no idea that he had been told anything and why would i??????
He eventually dropped the word CANCER!!!!! In to the conversation!!!!!!!!!! He said they had found something and he was being tested for CANCER!!!! I cant really remember much else to do with that conversation, apart from me becoming really angry and loosing it and breaking down, i cant explain why i reacted in that way.. Shock maybe, fear…. maybe because he kept it from me or that he said that disease that kills…..He said the words cancer!!! so to me that meant he had cancer, where as to hubby it was no!!!! They are testing to rule it out, it does not mean i have it. I cant really remember excactly what happened afterwards, its all a bit of a blur… there was obviously lots of shouting….. tears…… tight hugs……!!!!!!
When the kids went to bed we sat and held each other tight and spoke loads, hubby showed me the info he got from the hospital and what they was testing for. In my eyes i was still adamant he had cancer and i was scared, i had no idea what was going on and what the future held….. he explained how he had already been booked in for a CT scan and a MRI then it would be a follow up for the results. During my journey i spent many nights on my own at the begining while everyone was in bed, gathering my thoughts while tears filling my eyes and drinking wine I even started smoking again…. i was scared and had no idea what was going on, cancer did not happen to people like us…. what had we ever done to deserve this????? Roger was fit and healthy……. i wanted to make it all go away and I couldn’t….. i prayed deep down he did not have cancer and i hope i was proved wrong!!!!!!!
The 9th August 2017 completely unexpected was the start of a journey that was going to change my life for ever, i was about to embark on a journey that was going to cause so many emotions and moments that would become part of my life and these would bring moments that i would have no idea what to do or how i was going to cope and get through this. The first part was keeping a huge secret which i thought was tough and really selfish of Roger that he was able to talk to work and yet i had no one, obviously roger had to keep work up to date but i did not see this at the time. Keeping the secret was when looking back the easiest part of my journey…. A year on i got through this journey, we all did…. hubby is in remission and i hope and prey that the disease is not currently growing inside him. I hope that he he gets the all clear next month……… Cancer sucks but we beat it!!!!!!
