I’m not sure how this blog is going to go, writing a blog on bowel cancer and mental health when hubby is a matter of weeks post op from an ileostomy reversal is undoubtedly going to stir up many emotions and many I’m still very sensitive to. Cancer is a journey that no one wants to go on and has the power to destroy individuals, fortunately my hubby is one of the lucky ones and was given the all clear before Easter. The all clear does not mean the end of the journey though it’s the start of the next chapter, cancer is this thing that you can never really pull away from, once its got you then you just have to learn to live with it and not let it take over your life.
14thMay was Mental Health awareness week and according to a survey by the Mental Health Foundation at least one in three people with cancer will experience a mental health problem like depression or anxiety. I believe during a cancer journey support is vital and not just over the phone, during my journey the only support I got was from family and friends. The only cancer organisation that offered more then a phone number was Bowel Cancer UK who I have since gone on to help raise awareness with.
During my journey I’ve come to realise that cancer is a constant journey of riding the unknown roller coaster, which in time causes so many different emotions. It’s hard to say what emotion is ok to express and what is not, as what might be ok for one person to express might not be for another. I unfortunately found this out at the beginning of my journey when people would almost tell me that I was in the wrong for how I was expressing my emotions, It was like I was being told that I had to keep them bottled up until I was on my own. I found all this hard and unfair that I was meant to keep it all bottled up until I was on my own, when all I needed was to let it all out as I was scared.
This journey makes your mind go into over drive, it becomes hard to switch off as your mind is ticking over and over with all the questions you want answers to, especially after you have seen a medical professional reference treatment. Hospital appointments where hard especially at the beginning, you would leave the room and within minutes I would have questions galore going around that I wanted answers to. Apart from drive roger up the wall there was nothing I could do to get these answers. This was a tough part in the journey as I have always found it hard to switch of from things so if Roger were not up for talking I would stew over things in my head and tend to stay downstairs a lot after everyone went to bad. The one thing that really helped me through this journey and especially if feeling alone or confused by things was to blog, it helped me to realise that every emotion and even all the heated moments where all normal, many people like us had experienced or were experiencing the same things.
Cancer has so much power over you it’s unreal, you could be having a really positive day with the family and then all of a sudden your mood has changed and you have gone from smiling to crying. As time went by I did become stronger mentally but I could still hit the ground in a flash. I remember hubby getting the call for his first chemo, within a matter of minutes I had gone from getting on with my life to being over washed with fear and anxiety and struggling to get on with the day. These days usually brought lots of tears and plenty of cuddles after a few heated words, but this was fine as we all cope differently and as each day went by we became closer and started to understood how the other one was coping by their actions.
Right from the beginning of this journey Roger said he was not the only one impacted by the Cancer and no matter what we where all in this together, even though at times it did not feel like this. Loneliness was an emotion that I felt occasionally through my journey especially when I felt that hubby was pushing me away, he probably wasn’t he was just trying to deal with what was happening to him, which I fully understand. The difference being is though that I talk and he doesn’t, making everything bottle up inside before exploding/breaking which he seldom done. L
Hubby was the one going through the treatment and yet he was my rock and vice versa, this journey has made us stronger as individuals and as a family. At the beginning of this journey, their was so many tears and rows followed with tears and cuddles because of the fear and living of the unknown it was truly awful, but not once did we give up hope.
Over the past year I’ve come to realise that it can be said that cancer can be stereotyped as this killer disease that only effects the elderly. This is a load of rubbish, my husband was 38 when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and he beat it after a major operation and 4 cycles of chemotherapy as he went to the doctors early enough.
Going on this journey has made me look at things differently including myself, I am an individual that has been on one hell of a nasty and scary roller-coaster the past year. Its natural to express emotion and I’ve learned that’s its ok to cry and be angry, its ok to shed a tear to your child’s teacher or even when I’m reading over old blogs, its also ok to laugh and smile. This is me and this is how I deal with what life has chucked at me!!
My husband my soul mate beat cancer!!!!! He has his life and I will be ever thankful for that even when he drives me crazy, as there are so many unlucky individuals that don’t get to see their children grow and blossom into special unique individuals. I have always been blind to the fact that cancer is a disease that only the older generation are prone to, I’m fully aware that there are children that are unfortunate in having this disease, but never in a million years did I expect my husband to come home and say he had bowel cancer!! It is so important to raise awareness and just as important to talk about your mental health and to express your feelings, we all have feelings and wether it’s anger, sadness or happy they are all ok to have and express and you should not be judged by them. If you want to cry in front of your children or loved ones then do it, don’t worry about what people say. This is your journey and you will express what ever emotion and whenever you want to.
