After a few weeks of this blasted cycle being delayed at bloody last it’s started!!!! Woke up strong minded however there was still a very close moment that I thought it was not going to bloody happen.. ??
The morning was going well, we took the kids to school followed by the usual things like sorting the washing, having a cuppa, hoovering, having a quick bite to eat and hubby started his vlog. The nurse turned up and like always she asked how hubby was, and then if there is any thing different with the drugs she will go on to explain. On this occasion due to hubby complaining about the sickness feeling he constantly experienced during the cycles, the nurse explained that she had been sent more anti-sickness tablets that needed to be taken an hour before the oxaliplatin was to start and then for two days afterwards. This new anti-sickness tablet was as well as the old tablets and the IV form of the anti-sickness that is given in the pre-op with the steroids, to me this was a lot but if it worked then who cares fingers crossed it does not result in the hiccups and bloated feeling like cycle one.
Hubby was feeling pretty positive about this cycle, he obviously had some anxiety but his positivity I feel took over that. He was set to complete as much of the IV as possible even with the previous cycles experiences and his hand and arm being sensitive. Myself on the other hand was 100% apprehensive about everything to do with bloody chemo!!! This is I feel all down to the previous cycles, it so bloody scary watching your loved one turn from this individual that is trying his hardest to show nothing but strength but as the time passes you can see the pain becoming more extreme!!!
Eventually after what seemed like hours but was probably only about 30 minutes it was time to start with the IV!!! ? the anxiety was about to get a whole lot worse!!!! Not sure what bit is worse, the cannula being put in, the administration of the drugs or the side effects after wards as all 3 of them cause pain in so many ways. It’s hard sometimes to except and get your round that this stuff actually can make you better but in able to do that it must make you ill first.?
When it came to putting the cannula in I decided to sit next to hubby, not sure why but bloody hell I’m so glad I did. The pain that roger showed while this was happening was the worst I’ve ever seen him in through this crap journey. He told the nurse to stop, I may be wrong but I think he also swore. He was trying to move his arm away from the nurse, and his facial expressions and the sounds he was making, it was obvious how much it was hurting him. In the end the nurse did pull the cannula out as she could see roger was becoming distressed from it all and it was hurting him. I could not explain how I was feeling watching this but I can say the only thing going through my mind was “I wish she would stop!!!”. She asked roger if he was happy to try again and fair play he was, however the same thing happened and Roger again complained it hurt but this time the nurse never stopped until she had the cannula inserted properly. The nurse went on to flush the the cannula and even though he said it felt cold which is normal he still continued with the rest of the treatment. I could see that hubby was in pain the whole time, this was so hard to watch and roger could see that I was trying to hold back the tears. Some people will judge me for this but I’m human and I would love to see how they would react in my shoes. Roger wanted my hand, which I expect was to comfort me but I said no as the last thing I wanted to do was cry in his arms while he was attached to the IV. ??
The pain when putting the cannula in may have been made more intense because of the emla cream, as Roger has never turned round and said that it feels like the nurse is going really deep with the needle into his hand or expressed so much pain. You could say the nurse was scratching more or less to put the needle in for the cannula and yet the pain hubby was expressing you would think she was proper stabbing him.
I tried my hardest to distract him at the beginning from the pain and discomfort of the pre-op or what ever it’s called and the Oxaliplatin but I believe i failed miserably. ? I could see the pain and discomfort he was in and there was nothing I could do to help him. The morning does pass by pretty quick once the treatment has started, but that’s probs because I’m busy and pre-occupied doing things like the washing and making sure Roger and the nurse don’t need anything, or in the case of this cycle warming up the heat pads for rogers arm. During this cycle my daughter was home so I also had to make sure she was ok as well as do her food and drink, yes she is old enough to do these things her self but she finds it hard seeing her dad hooked up to this stuff that yes is making him better but it makes him ill first and as her mum I respect how she feels.
Due to the extreme and constant pain that hubby was in he was unable to complete the full IV, he managed half which is better then nothing. I’m so proud of him, the pain he was in and the continued pain in his arm he still did his best. To me the pain in his arm seemed worse this cycle, his vein was sore and there seemed more blood when the cannula was removed. During the afternoon roger was fine, his arm was sensitive but it did not help that the water board was meant to be fixing a leak and ended up cutting through the oil pipe. So he had to keep going out side to sort that out, as I had to go get the kids from school, we did tell them that roger had just had chemo and the pipe was temporally fixed, that was 11 days ago. He said he was feeling the cold and his eyes where sensitive as well as starting to feel like he was coming down with a cold. As the afternoon went on he was obviously starting to feel really tired and got the hiccups along with feeling bloated which made him feel worse, he ended up falling asleep on the sofa for a good few hours. Not even the cat could wake him up.
This cycle took several attempts to start and then I believed there maybe a chance it would not happen, watching my soul mate my brave saviour express pain is flipping hard. This cycle so far has been similar in ways but in other ways its been so different to the previous ones. Cancer plays games and screws you up, it impacts loved ones as well as the individual. We have seen and heard so many different stories of cancer and chemo but I can say for sure and I’m sure my sole mate will agree with me when I say “everyone is different”!!!!!!!!!!!!
